Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
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ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
you stereotypes are all alike
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya