If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
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“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.