okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since