My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
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I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.