Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
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4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
🖤✌🏽
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?