Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Happy Star Wars day!
there’s probably a fee though
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here