Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
What’s a Messi?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Same pineapple, same
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom