The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
That’s amazing.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home