My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
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I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Spider-cat: No One Home
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe