I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
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my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.