You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
me before I type out affect or effect
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)