I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?