My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Anime is real
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing