“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
What my back needs
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”