*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
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OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people