I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
At least my masseuse has my back.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!