Bless you
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I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems