What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that