I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.