surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.