It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good