Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When the stylist spins you back around
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.