He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
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me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Got him!
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Remember folks 😂
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*