Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
New menu item
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.