My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
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them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds