I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Bed should get ready for ME
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask