As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
You Might Also Like
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
this post was so formative to me
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Y’all ready for this
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Introverted vegans go meetless
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”