The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I’ve been learning to cook.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
The pen is writier than the sword.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.