Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
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Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Match dot com, but for socks.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.