After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
You Might Also Like
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
And then there were 4
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
My beach vacation Google searches
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.