Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.