ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The days of good grammer has went
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?