Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
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[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me