All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
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ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.