The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.