Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her