[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You’ll be OK
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.