Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise