“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
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if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”