Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
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The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Me: I鈥檓 terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I鈥檒l be 64/73rds through the day
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 馃
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn鈥檛 good enough to post on his social media.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My husband鈥檚 birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
* has cake for breakfast
* can鈥檛 finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes