Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.