Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
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CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal