My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
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[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him