This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.