Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
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doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks