Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
constantly working on myself.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad