I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
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ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Same pineapple, same
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up