If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!