coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD