A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
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ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Who does Amazon think I am?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”